So today I am the fun mum. The mum who shouts "who wants to make cookies?" and both kids shout "yay me!”
In reality it's because we need to use up the cookie box. Due to husband buying another one. But, still the fun mum.
We run laughing, joyful, full of expectation and hope to the kitchen at this new activity we can do together. The memories we will make, the pictures I can share with husband.
We've arrived. Right hang on, mum needs to grab the kitchen chairs for the kids to stand on to reach the kitchen surface.
Eldest is standing on hers first, I turn around to grab the second chair.
Mum mistake #1 never assume your youngest is the most patient. They are not.
Youngest is livid at being left out for 0.79 seconds so resorts to sacrificing his sister and attempts to pull her off of her chair.
Eldest, is clearly not going to have this so attempts to shake him off her leg.
I've got his chair, youngest is hell bent on eldests leg for a few seconds until he sees me, remembers we own more than one chair in this house and he is up next to eldest.
Youngest has just been raised to a whole world he knows nothing of. There’s the full access to the microwave, toaster and kettle.
That doesn't matter, I cooked all the time with eldest when she was the same age, and she always listened and never touched them.
Mum mistake #2 don't assume your two children are the same. They are not. Youngest are usually rule breakers. Aka feral.
From the time it takes me to read the cookie box to see we need an egg and butter, youngest eyes have lit up and he’s homing in on the kettle.
What is this powerful device that mummy uses that turns her from a non-morning person to a somewhat tiny bit of a morning person?
My brain automatically shows me every worst case scenario so I turn everything off at the plug within his tiny determined arms distance.
Ingredients are out. We are taking it in turns adding the egg and butter to the bowl.
Eldest wants to pour the mix into the bowl. I look over at my options. If I do it, I'm not the fun mum. I trust her to do it over the youngest so I hand her the bag.
Why must they shake the bag when they are pouring the contents?
Don't say anything, don't say anything, don't say anything. Be the fun mum.
Ok two spoons out for stirring. This is going well, we are mixing, we are taking turns, they are learning.
Oh, no wait youngest has just flicked it over the side. They are learning, they are having fun Now it's on the floor. Now it's in the toaster.
Don't say anything. Don't say anything. Fun mum.
If there's anything left to make cookies with that'll be a bloody miracle with Edward Scissorhands over here.
Next step on the cookie box. Oh for fu..
Right we need to mould the cookies with our hands.
Eldest is in her element. Makes perfect round balls of cookie dough and places them down on the baking tray.
Youngest hates it. Will swim in dirt and mud happily, but cookie dough in-between his fingers? Forget it.
Eldest is on her 4th ball. Youngest emerges into wreck it ralph, seizes his chance and starts smashing the perfectly placed balls laid by his sister.
Mum hack #1 fix whatever youngest has destroyed before eldest notices. It saves on tantrums.
Next step is to poke them with smarties.
Box says 6 smarties per cookie. Clearly they never baked with children.
Took them until cookie number 8 to realise what they were adding to the cookies.
Have to tackle tiny smarties away from kids’ sticky fingers and mouths.
We are done.
They jump down to go back and play whilst I put cookies in the oven to cook. Do the double take to make sure no small child is in the vicinity with the oven door open. Brain automatically shows me worst case scenario.
Cookies are in the oven. Kids are happy playing.
The massacre and me is left.
Mum hack #2 when kids are asleep eat several cookies. Blame it on husband.